I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
