I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
