Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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