he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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