I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
