His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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