just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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