I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
