I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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