I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
