I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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