Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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