just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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