i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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