I can't watch pbs sober anymore
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
