just survived the first fart of the relationship.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
