It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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