Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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