I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
