Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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