Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
