eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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