I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
COCAINE IS GR8
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
