I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
