I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
