she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
