Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
