I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
This house was built for laser tag.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
