Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
