your parents love me but you hate me
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
