im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
