Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
