Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
