now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I pour the whiskey from now on
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
