Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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