Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
