i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I deserve this hangover.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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