I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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