I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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