i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
