i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
