I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
