made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You are a genius and a whore.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
