just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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