I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
