I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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