omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
