i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
