Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
