those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
