Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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