I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
