Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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