I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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