Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
They took my balls.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
