he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
