That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
