Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
