Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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