You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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