I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
