the new term for farting is butt boxing.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
