We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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