Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
